Epic Narrator

Epic Narrator is one of the available narrators on the 5-Minute Dungeon Timer App.

Starting Lines

 * "Help! I'm trapped inside this app! Tell my wife and kids I love them."
 * "You have five minutes to defeat this dungeon. Good luck!"
 * "As your guide to this dungeon, I should warn you that it's very, very spooky in there."
 * "Are there any dragons in these dungeons?"
 * "I'm Jon Bailey and I will be your guide on this five-minute adventure! Please fasten your seat belts and put your tray tables in the upright position."
 * "Are you ready for an epic adventure? Get it - epic?
 * "Welcome back! Let's get this dungeon started!"
 * "Alright, listen up, team, we're going into that dungeon and we're killing that baby!"
 * "You better actually be playing the game and not just listening to my sweet, sexy voice."
 * "Does anybody know what this button does? Oh, it starts the game."
 * "Look, I get the Paladin would have access to a Holy Hand Grenade, but where exactly does Valkyrie get one?"
 * "And now for some of my favorite words: pony, banana, sprinkles."
 * "Back so soon? Let's dive into this wet and wild dungeon!"

Pausing the Timer

 * "Time paused"
 * "Time stopped"
 * "Take a break!"

Resuming the Timer

 * "Timer's back on!"
 * "Timer is back on!"
 * "Time resumed"
 * "Time resuuumed"
 * "Let's get going!"
 * "Go!"

At 4 Minutes

 * "Only four minutes remain."
 * "Only four more minutes."
 * "Four minutes left."
 * "Four minutes remaining."
 * "Four minutes to go."

At 3 Minutes

 * "Only three minutes to go."
 * "Three minutes, you guys."
 * "There's, like, three minutes until this whole thing goes bad."
 * "Three minutes left."

At 2 Minutes

 * "Two minutes remaining."
 * "Two minutes to go."
 * "Two minutes left."

At 1 Minute

 * "One minute left."
 * "We need to wrap this up in less than a minute."
 * "Sixty seconds to go."
 * "One minute remains."
 * "No, seriously! Get going! One minute!"
 * "What are you waiting for? Get moving! One minute left!"

At 30 Seconds

 * "In thirty seconds, you're all losers."
 * "Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight."
 * "Thirty seconds until death."
 * "Thirty seconds until you are dead. Don't worry, I'll be fine."
 * "Get going, thirty seconds!"
 * "Get a move on! Thirty seconds left."
 * "Hurry up already! You only have thirty seconds!"
 * "Thirty seconds remaining."
 * "Thirty seconds remain."

At 10 Seconds

 * "This is too close! I can't watch! Oh wait, I can't see you."
 * "Ten."
 * "Ten. Seconds. Left. Well, now there's like seven because that took a long time to say."
 * "Only ten more seconds."
 * "Only ten more seconds? This is so exciting!"
 * "Ten. Seconds."

If Team Loses

 * "I'm so disappointed in all of you, especially you, Steve. Get it together, Steve!"
 * "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."
 * "Man, I thought you were dead for sure. And I was right."
 * "There are two types of heroes in this dungeon: Those who lived, and you."
 * "The team lost the game and disappeared never to be heard from again. On the next edition of Unsolved Dungeons."
 * "There's always next time, unless you're done playing. Then I guess this is goodbye. I'll always remember you."
 * "Did you do it? Did you win? No, no you did not."
 * "It was at this point, the heroes realized, they lost."

If Team Wins

 * "You live!"
 * "You worked together like professionals and made it through the dungeon. (sobs) I am so proud of you kids."
 * "They entered the dungeon as mere children but emerged fierce killing machines."
 * "With their handsome and talented narrator to guide them, nothing could stop this team."
 * "Oh, I'm sorry, I was watching TV. Did you win? Oh, good for you!"
 * "Did you win? Oh. Good for you! Five gold stars."
 * "A winner is you."
 * "Thou art the winner."
 * "You're alive! Good for you!"
 * "What perils await the heroes in the next dungeon? Find out next time on 5-Minute Dungeon."
 * "Hey, you totally made it out alive! Did not see that coming."